Christy (My Hidden Childhood Nemesis)

My parents decided to go back to church full time when I was in second grade, as my baby sister was no longer colicky and my brother and I would be a good addition to the kids choir. Only there was one girl in the choir that stood out. Christy. Christy was tall, beautiful, blonde and I felt an immediate jealousy with her. One day a lady at church admired Christy’s curls and I got incensed. I was only eight, but it was always about Christy. Christy was darling. Christy was polite, and I think my mom wished I were more like Christy (sans all the attention). It would have been nicer to her if I wasn’t so moody and sullen. It would have been nicer if I had a sunnier dispostion. Christy did gymnastics and Christy did ballet, things I wanted to do. Christy got to wear jeans, which my mother did not like. Jeans were “sinful” and popular girl wore jeans. Christy’s mom believed in Christy’s dreams, where my dreams were subject to the approval of the Parental Board and most of the time I was out 2–1.

As I got older and older, I began to resent Christy. She was beautiful and perfect and the guys that liked her were ones that never gave me the time of day. Also, perfect Chrissy excelled in what I wanted to do, as she was a Pom Pom girl and always had the nicest clothes, the best hair, and a laundry list of things I wanted to be. When a boy rejected Christy I felt vindicated that ONE thing went wrong in her life. I wished she knew the pain I knew every day. I was nice to her on the outside wanting to be her friend and liked by her so it would please my mom, but on the inside I seethed. I could not stand her and mocked her in my mind by saying “Everybody likes Christy” and it was true. The boys loved her beauty and all the girls wanted to be her friend. I was her friend but I was deeply jealous. SHE had a supportive mother who let her have the cute hairstyles. She had a mother that let her explore what she wanted to do and there were no board meetings at her house. Her mother loved her as she was and I was jealous of that relationship.

I carried this into my forties. I was angry and when I mentioned it to my mom she said, “Oh get over it!” However in a lot of ways, SHE caused it by always praising her and wishing I would be more like her. “If you were more Godly, people would like you…” However, her mom passed away and that was gone. My heart ached for her and I decided that the woman she loved the most and was her best friend was gone and maybe she needed a friend and not someone who was so jealous of her she couldn’t see straight, all because of a mother who held me to her standard….

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Helen VanPatterson-Patton

Helen VanPatterson-Patton

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I like to do journal prompts and you should, too. Picking various ones and doing them towards my own healing….