Closure…

Sometimes you get the closure you want and sometimes you don’t. That is just the way it is…

E and I were besties in college. That crazy summer of 1993, we watched “Sleepless in Seattle” four times in the theater. We went to the mall and had some zany times, even trying on wedding gowns for that special day, she even promised that I would be her maid of honor. Those were the salad days of our friendship. She was the first female friend who told me I was pretty and worthwhile. Many of my other friends were always telling me how I looked pregnant, was fat, uncool, or whatever else wasn’t their cup of tea. In some ways, E was quite enabling. We drifted apart. I had a shotgun wedding and had a kid, but then through livejournal, we became friends again. It was a good relationship for the most part, only when she broke up with a fellow Lj’er I even liked to read she said, “Hey, you’re my bestie. It would be best if you unfriend him because, well, you’re my bestie.” Looking back, I should have said screw you and kept being his friend. I did that to someone who made fun of her. I was quite enabling as well. We both hated our bodies. She had no reason to. Me with my double chins, breasts of death, belly, lumpy butt, and chunky legs, yeah socieity told me daily how much I sucked. She was always my go to when I felt ugly because she would bring me up, but our body hatin’ ways were our demons and our demise and one day she just blocked me on everything. I asked her why through a text and all she said was, “I don’t know you.”

Over the years I have tried. I even joined forums that she was on to show that maybe I have changed a little. I accept my flawed body and do my best. However, it is met with a swift block. Maybe we weren’t meant to have that closure, but twenty three years of friendship does deserve something. I wish her well, hope her maid of honor that she chose was amazing and have moved on, but there are still moments that I do miss her….