Shadow Work Prompt 12
What triggers you? Can you identify where that came from?
When I was a child, I was watching a game show and a beautiful woman was on the final showdown and she was pretty. She had a great smile, a nice outfit, and her makeup looked really, really nice. I pointed out that she was pretty, and I was quickly told, “Too bad she’s fat, she has such a pretty face” and on that day I was introduced into the world of fat phobia, and I feared being fat. My mom, who was thin (due to Kool and Coffee breakast for a few years), had a disdain for fat people. She bragged of losing her baby weight and how “jealous” the neighbor lady who was of her. The neighbor’s life was going to be my life in my twenties through forties, poring over fashion magazines wishing and hoping that I would get long luxurious hair, toned body, tanned skin, and pretty face. Sadly, I inherited my dad’s genes and look like him with boobs.
“Natalie, being fat is not a lot of fun. I mean the men who like fat women are not attractive and weird. Natalie, women in the workforce who are fat don’t get good raises, and the clothes!!??”
There are so many days I think I am a goddess. I am five seven, a curvy size 18W-22, with soft, cushy 42H breasts, and a lot of days I see how GORGEOUS I am!! I am like WOW! I go through my days rockin’ my BBW style and I have pretty good streaks of thinking I am GORGEOUS, but ONE comment can destroy all that…
“You know larger women and how they get treated…. Natalie, no one likes a fat girl…. You know us women need to stick together…. You want to start running to lose some weight? Hey, girl wanna join an accountablility group? Hey, girl, I tried this herb and I lost twenty five pounds!!! Hey, baby I like those big girls…”
Then, the tailspin begins…. The self deprecating posts, where I was cruel to myself on social media, starting arguments with so many people and losing friends.
What they were saying was, “I care about you as a person, you ARE beautiful.”
What I heard was, “Just shut up about being fat, be our fat and funny friend. After all we have to have our token fat and ugly person, and you are it!!!”
My friends did care and they don’t like me being in that state. To fix that, I started following thin and gorgeous influencers and women who are MORE like me. It was to unlearn what was told me me as a six year old and that ANY size is beautiful and that what I was told as a child was wrong and should have not been said. When someone says something about a woman of size, I practice the pause before I think or do something rash or say something rash, and people don’t think before they speak.
That has made the difference….