You’d Think I’d Be Used To It By Now…

It was the Christmas party, the end of the year get together and it was time to dress up and have some fun. I found a really cute plus sized top that didn’t scream “Fat Woman in glitter” and I thought I looked relatively cute. It was the end of the year awards for our division (I work in insurance) and all year we worked hard to make sure we did our job accurately AND correctly. I was hoping to get an award, as my boss always. made me feel good about the work I did in private, so I knew I was doing a good job.

We got there. The buffet was delicicious and as the anxious big girl, I partook. We sat there while division heads talked about their workers and their dedication and I hoped I got SOME recognition. Sometimes I did, but Lisa got it ALL of the time, and the assistant manager had to nudge him at one event to thank me. I was waiting. When it got to his turn he talked about the hard workers in his office. Lisa, of course, Rob, Sarah, and Gina. Again, Natalie wasn’t mentioned and my heart sank. Terri, a woman from another division, said, “I wonder why he NEVER thanks you. You really bust your butt.” I said, “It’s okay. I am used to it.” Again, it was a stab in my gut that I was the grunt worker but because I was fat and not as attractive. Again, I was overlooked. She said, “No it’s not. It’s unfair.” I wanted to say, “I agree with you, but you know pretty wins.” A few days later, I got a “thank you” card from my boss, but I was sure someone said something. I feel good for a moment, but it doesn’t stick.

You’d think I would be used to it by now, as in elementary school I was never picked for dances and when we did the minuet, one kid said “ew”, “ew” “ew”…. The teacher said, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” She was the ONLY teacher to ever say something, but the boy looked at the floor, kicking an imaginary dust bunny. However, things never stuck. Sometimes I went to social media to tell people how worthless I felt and when he didn’t mention me, I felt like I was just there to do the work, and just be behind the scenes. It’s hard being the only virgin at the table at nineteen and they all KNOW that I am too ugly and too weird to be loved. It’s being set up with someone’s creepy dysfucntional cousin because “he’s ugly”, “you’re ugly”, and two uglies score instant love. It’s that my looks embarass my boss. It’s that my looks hold me back and no matter how old I get, I still get my feelings hurt. I go to social media, and the homecoming queen tells me to “get over it”. Friends tell me to “get over it”, but you know, you never really do.

Even as an adult, I don’t feel valued. I don’t feel loved. I just feel that I am supposed to be ugly and invisible.

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Helen VanPatterson-Patton

I like to do journal prompts and you should, too. Picking various ones and doing them towards my own healing….